Don’t look for a supervisor – find a supervisory relationship

A common quest for people when they start out in counselling or psychotherapy training is to find a supervisor.
There are various course guidelines for who may be suitable to approach. Geography is often a key factor, although that has been blown out of the water a bit by the global lockdown recently, no one is having face-to-face supervision at the moment. Gender, cultural and social factors may influence choice.
Finding a supervisor is not too difficult. It is finding a supervisory relationship that is the challenge.
There are so many dynamics involved in being supervised. Finding someone you can trust and be inspired by is important. For me personally it is probably the most important factor. I remember arranging an initial meeting with a supervisor years ago. I had heard he was good, and he was recommended by the foster care agency I was working with at the time. I organised childcare and set off on the forty-five minute journey to where he lived. I was a few minutes late so I called ahead to let him know I was on my way. His wife answered the phone and told me he wasn’t there. I turned around, disappointed and angry. When we spoke, later that day he apologised, saying he had forgotten about the appointment. This all felt a little familiar to my historic self, but I agreed to make another appointment. We met and he asked me what I wanted from supervision. I boldly said I wanted to be respected and inspired and that I was still angry about him forgetting our first appointment. He apologised again and asked what I needed. I asked him to tell me about his experience so I could know why he was worth the bother (although I am sure I phrased it better than that!). He talked eloquently, humbly and at depth about his experience and approach. After this I was excited. and keen to learn from this man. What followed was several years of a solid supervisory relationship where I could take all the difficult case work I was involved in with very disorganised young people. I was able to draw on his experience and grow through our conversations. Our bumpy start had been a useful crucible to trust building.
Looking for a supervisor involves asking for help from a senior professional. In the beginning of our career we know very little and may not even have seen a client at this stage. The novice seeking help is where there is the greatest power differential between the supervisor and supervisee. Commonly there is also a supervisor’s report required by the trainee’s training institute, so the supervisor may also hold the power to agree or defer progression of learning and achieving qualification. This is a complex start to what I believe is a crucial learning relationship in the life of being a psychotherapist or counsellor.
Our personal patterns of how we ask for help in life are usually stimulated by the quest to find a supervisor. One of mine that got evoked in the scenario above is that I can make the first call and then I get let down. My next move is to pull in, take back all the reigns and retreat to a safe place on my own! It was easy to hear the familiar internal dialogue of “You see, don’t trust people. They don’t care about you …” The only reason I made another appointment was because he called, apologised and asked if I’d be willing to take another chance. It was a good move, humble and exploratory. When we met he accounted for his mistake and it’s impact on me. This really helped me to get excited about the kind of learning relationship I could have with this man who openly talked about messing up and modelled leading with this, rather than hiding it. We were able to use this start as a foundation for a dialogue of trust that grew and flourished for many years.
I believe that a dialogue of trust is at the heart of the supervisory relationship. It is a mutual achievement and needs to be found, not assumed. It is a challenge for both parties.
For the supervisor, the challenge is to lead with curiosity towards the supervisee, how do their previous learning relationships impact and influence this supervisory relationship? My research into asking for help suggests that practitioners (no matter how experienced) bring a mix of hiding and seeking into supervisory relationships. I think an important part of the supervisor’s job is to explore how this might help and hinder the supervisee’s capacity to USE the supervisor.
For the supervisee, the task is to risk as much as they dare and bring as much of their willingness to learn as possible. Supervisees who are active in their sharing, questioning and open to feedback and can step aside from their egos to develop reflexivity in their work.
For both, it is to meet in mutual vulnerability and curiosity, with asymmetrical roles and develop their dialogue of trust, which will provide a crucible for the work of the supervisee to then carry inside them as they do the same with their clients.
My recommendation is, therefore, to look for a supervisory relationship, not a supervisor. This will require interpersonal effort and a willingness for both parties to address relational differences and inequalities and use them as opportunities to deepen trust, learning and support in the work of being a therapist.